El Bachelor Episode 7

Before we begin I really just want you to watch this. It may be early Tuesday morning when you are reading this. Maybe you are coming into work half asleep. I am telling you. Watch/Listen to this and you are going to be pumped for your day. Do it now.

Now that we all feel better about our lives let's recap last night's episode.

El Bachelor Episode 7: I'm going to Miami. Or I'm Goin' Freaking Crazy.

I am not going to lie- having The Bachelor on Monday does sorta make Monday more enjoyable because you get a prize full of two hours of nonsense at the end of the day if you survive it.

S and I kicked off the evening's shenanigans in Miami with red vino, cheese, fruit and snacks. Because nothing says Ole El Bachelor like stuffing your face with a Home Happy Hour. 

Sharleen's Date Pre-Commercial: I Need a Dictionary

• The evening kicks off with Sharleen receiving the first one on one date card. 
• Sharleen: "Am I reading it?" 
• Me: "AM I READING IT!? IS THIS A JOKE???" 
• What is a cerebral connection? 
• At some point during this date S interjected: "She basically thinks he's an idiot."
• I could not stop laughing. It was so true. 

Commercial Break: What is with these rose framed commercial breaks? The Bachelor has become Big Brother and owns everything. I am glad I became a fan early on.

Sharleen's Date Post-Commercial: Now I Really Need a Dictionary

• Those couch bed lounge chairs the girls are relaxing in look like total Crate & Barrel and reminds me that I just got a new catalog I need to look through.
• S proclaims: "Sharleen is confused because she wants someone with a PhD and not in soccer." #truth

Post Sharleen Date: The counselor Renee is in. 

Nikki's Date Part One: Dance Recital Time

• This just all out confused me. And made me jealous because I love a good dance recital. I love performing in one and I love watching one and now I am sitting here jealous of a 6 year old. 
• Did anyone else happen to notice that jazz shoes are still without laces? Looks like the same jazz shoes I used are still happenin' which means I can still make a come back. 
• You enjoy having Camila's mom in your life. 

Nikki's Date Part Two: White Shirt 

• "I just feel calm and at ease and this could be my life." -Nikki proclaims in a white shirt that extends to her belly button and definitely screams step-mom
• Nikki starts playing baseball and I realize this white shirt is no joke people. Talk about tape. What brand of tape is this? Please share with the rest of the world. 

Sharleen's Departure: The Time Has Come

• The girls are all hugging Sharleen and wishing her the best and confirming her decision. DUH SHARLEEN! One less rose to hand out. One step closer to El Bachelor's heart.
• How did she know he was in room 1617. On second thought, I am doing research for a trip to Miami and would like to know which hotel this is?
• As Sharleen cries her heart out, S decides Juan Pablo is secretly saying "Don't worry Sharleen. I'm going to catch your attention when this is over and I break up with whoever."
• Juan Pablo proclaims: "Honesty is not appreciated" -- I think he meant to say "Honesty is not the best policy." Who am I kidding I don't understand what he was saying. 
• Kristina tweeted at this point: "When will ABC discover the REAL reason Sharleen left the show? (circa a la Rozlyn Papa)"

8pm: Is it seriously only 8pm??? 

Group Date: Aqua shoes are back!

• Lots of crying. Lots of do you like me. Lots of crying.
• Nikki's notes- It was at this moment I wondered what my parents would write to Kristina and me had we ever pursued this venue of dating. It is simple:
• Dad: "If you lose I want you to shake The Bachelor's hand and say thank you for the opportunity and walk away."
• Mom: "If it doesn't work out I'd just keep him as a friend. You never know. Just keep him as a friend." 
• Andi gets the rose. Andi gets one on one bonus date.
• And you could cut the tension on the reject plane with a knife. 

Fight between Nikki and Clare

• I have to be honest. I think Kristina and I had this fight everyday around 1990. It went something like this:
• Sister: Get out of my room.
• Sister: You don't own my room. Mom and Dad own this room.
• Sister: Put Minnie Mouse down.
• Sister: You don't own Minnie Mouse. Mom and Dad own Minnie Mouse.
• Sister: Give me back Popples.
• Sister: Make me.
• Sisters together: MOMMMMMM.
• The only thing missing was the ever predictable and ever necessary scream "MOMMMMM"

Rose Ceremony: Bright Colors on Parade

• "I'm getting eaten alive by mosquitoes"- Nikki …this is exactly the reason Kristina and I would always and I mean always have OFF! with us during Bachelor season. We would die. Mosquitoes love us even if The Bachelor doesn't. 
• Nikki and Clare end up seated together and what occurs is the "most dramatic moment of silence in Bachelor history."
• Nikki and Clare straight up look like they are going to kill each other. 
• My final words of encouragement: Dear Chelsie, You are only 24. It's going to be okay.

Housekeeping for next week:

• TWO nights next week. I am going to guess that they really want to wrap this up asap. 
• The bottom line though is: Does next week's two night extravaganza involve the finale? Do not pull a fast one Chris Harrison. Chloe will be very angry:

Don't you mess this up for me Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo. After I sat through Molly the dog and random Lord of the Rings Cat, if there is a finale next week, I need to know. 

Somehow I was able to finish watching The Bachelor and hop along over to the Olympics to watch the Ice Dancing USA pair win the Gold. 

Cheering on Bachelor drama + Cheering on my fellow countrymen = Monday Night Success

And Jimmy Fallon premieres in just a few short minutes!

I've gotta stop while I am ahead. The week can only go downhill from here….