El Bachelor Episode 5

People. Sunday was a bad night. A really bad night. Worst Super Bowl of my life…and considering I have only really paid attention to about five of them in my 29 years of existence, this is a big deal.

The Broncos. The Broncos. The Broncos. No words. 

That's all I will say on that. 

And I had hoped tonight's Bachelor episode would help soothe the dark cloud of my Monday. And this is what happened instead. 

The Bachelor. The Bachelor. The Bachelor. Ay Yi Yi Yi. 

So needless to say, here we go.

Episode 5: Clare Bear Stare. 

• This episode was boring. Like really boring until the second half. I was texting my sister Kristina asking where her amazing tweets were and she responded, "I am trying but they are giving me nothing." 
• Renee's date and the amount of friend zone action reminded me of a PTO meeting for parents….probably minus the kissing at the end.
• The second the group date started Kristina kept tweeting #HereComesClare (I couldn't stop laughing- let's all help her get it trending next week) 
• I really wish Kesha's song "It's Going Down" would've started playing the second they got in those crazy Disney World tea cups turned boats. These girls were pissed at Clare. 
• Did any one else wish during all the Clare smack talking they would have all banded together and yelled "Clare Bear Stare." Let's just say we were big Care Bears fans in our house. 
• I know, last week it was Mulan and this week it is Care Bears…I can only imagine what you are thinking regarding my IQ….

Care Bear Stare meets The Bachelor

• The entire skinny dipping scene and the immediate "did they" or "didn't they" aftermath…I have no words. Literally I have no words because I did not understand for one minute what Juan Pablo and Clare were discussing.
• Also may I point out, what happened to good wholesome family rated reality Bachelor television. Save that for the fantasy suite. I had to send Chloe into the other room for half this episode. 

This is not the face of someone who can watch such nonsense. 

• Two words--- Beckham commercial. 
• The first time it aired they cut it off halfway through. I was not okay with this.
• The second time it aired, they made up for this error and showed the entire production.
• I have decided they need to bring Beckham on to provide El Bachelor some counseling sessions.
• These girls that keep wanting to act like this is regular life. Here's the thing- if my husband tried to kiss me while we are propelling into a cave, I would smack him. That is real life marriage.
• Sidenote- my husband's very public response to this on twitter was: "NO WAY you'd be propelling down a cave to begin with. You'd have taken a taxi back to the hotel. That's MY real life marriage."

• News flash! If you tell the Bachelor on your application you are afraid of heights, guess what is coming! On second thought, start saying you are afraid of shopping or shoes.
• The arrival of the Bachelorette contestants on the boat reminded me of the San Antonio River Parade. 
• "Here's the thing though, can I tell you something" ATTENTION FEMALES OF THE WORLD: these are the words that will make every man freak out on you in less than one second" …I may or not be guilty of this as well. I judge NO ONE here. 
• Danielle spoke x2 tonight. And then she got eliminated. 
• The dog walker also got eliminated.

That's Right. I Win.  Don't Mess with me Molly.

• And just like that, just as it always is, The Bachelor just got real. BOOM. Stay tuned. 

And on an unrelated note, post-Bachelor we got to discuss finances since Gregg arrived home before 10pm. Gregg told me for purposes of our budget we both die at 90. Thank you. This has officially been the worse 48 hour period of my life. I am going to sleep.