National Cat Day

National Cat Day was yesterday! A day that I did not know existed or have not paid much attention to in the past. Coincidentally it also falls in the same week as Halloween, which is Chloe's most favorite day of the year. We are slightly obsessed with our cat. She is quite the character, quite the diva and quite the pet.

In honor of the day, I thought I'd give you a few facts about Chloe:
(Disclaimer: You may read this and you may judge me for being too obsessed with my cat.) 

1. She is a long haired black cat. To say we have a fur situation in our apartment is an understatement. I have officially mourned and moved on from the fact that my living room will never be full of beautiful white couches and tables. No not happening. No.

2. She has this stupid box that Gregg received a shipment from Bonobos in and she climbed inside and never came out. She is always sitting in it. Consequently the box now lives in our living room and is never going away.

This is not a joke.

3. She hates seeing luggage and hates when we leave town.On the contrary she hates traveling and doesn't understand why anyone would voluntarily do it.

 4.She loves to watch the birds. They are her best friends in the world. Even though we know she is plotting to kill each of them in her mind.

5.She will straight up beg for treats until she gets them. I tell Gregg she is peer pressuring me all the time.

6.She believes everything in the apartment is in some way hers and takes possession over things in strange ways.

7. A good amount of the time she looks like she is over me. And over life.

8. She loves the Bachelor and had a deep crush on Juan Pablo. Her feelings about him changed when she saw this happen. 

9.She loves Gregg. They are best friends. She only loves me at night when she magically appears in our bed and starts to cuddle. Such a shacker.

10. She was the greatest souvenir I got from Austin. Gregg may have left with an MBA and a job but I left with a new best friend.

Happy National Cat Day, Chloe!

Chloe Discovers A Ladder

Here is where we stand on my list of outstanding stories for those of you who care/who are keeping track/or who are like me and just like crossing things off lists:

• Easter
• Washington DC with LC and JC (not the JC in the sky)
• Culture Thursdays with S
• My 30th Birthday weekend with Kristina in town 
• Friends and Fundraisers 
• Virginia weekend wedding vacation
• Baby Shower-ing
• Mother's Day Snippets
• Chloe discovers a ladder
• College besties reunion weekend 
• Las Vegas

This brings us to a lovely afternoon of ridiculousness entitled Chloe discovers a ladder.

About a month ago we had about 4 things that needed to be fixed by maintenance in our apartment….

Sidenote: We have realized that in lieu of a house anytime in our near future, we are going to focus on this little gem that is the beauty of an apartment- they fix things for you. 

Now these various requests did not all accumulate on the same date. It was a process….

• first one light when out in the kitchen…
• then two, then four out of six, then we were practically in the dark making cereal (because that is all we cook in that kitchen)…
• then the cosmetic holder piece of the blinds fell down (not the actual blinds)…
• then the shower needed to be drained and was getting much worse...
•  then the fire alarm started chirping….you get the picture. Typically a fire alarm chirping will send the maintenance request over the edge for us. We spent one too many nights almost resorting to this:

This is not a joke. Gregg had to get out the step ladder and take the fire alarm off the ceiling in the middle of the night to hit the button to reset it, which in fact sets it off loudly as if there is an actual fire. This leads to mass midnight chaos- Chloe flying off the bed; Me sprinting out that we are going to wake up the entire building; And then after pressing it enough times it stops. And so this goes on all weekend since this also always happens on a weekend when maintenance is not working….

The real reason it takes longer to submit these is because maintenance requests are now a bigger ordeal because we have to stick Chloe in our bedroom all day, and I feel like she is traumatized and going to hate me when I return home. Gregg on the other hand could care less since Chloe spends all day in our bedroom anyways. Someday I am going to be the worst mother because of this..I am already very aware. 

So Thursday afternoon after calling in this laundry list of requests, I came home on my lunch hour to see if maintenance was done and I could let Chloe out. What did I find instead of anything fixed? I found a ladder in the middle of my kitchen and no maintenance worker in sight. Okay. So I called the leasing office and they told me they were at lunch and probably just brought the ladder up to fix everything after lunch. Okay that makes loads of sense. So now I have a cat locked in the bedroom and a ladder in the middle of the kitchen. 

What did I do? What any other normal cat mother would do….I opened the door, let Chloe out and she proceeded to have the adventure of a lifetime…and I proceeded to document it…. 

Checking out this new giant contraption in the kitchen.

Having a paint splattered ladder in my kitchen is the most DIY I've ever been in my life

Hello. 

I am never moving. Or I am not moving until you walk over here and carry me back into the bedroom because maintenance is coming back after lunch. Then I guess I am going to have to move.

And that my friends is fondly remembered as the day Chloe discovered a ladder. This is also why my Mom rolls her eyes at me and tells me I need a kid. 

A Letter of Complaint To Emergency Alerts

Since we moved here a year ago, I guess you could say this is our first "rainy season" in Houston. Whoa. This place does not mess around. Considering I am from San Antonio home of the odd/even water ration days; lived in Dallas which was so hot my last summer there it gave my mover heat stroke (not a joke); and Austin thrown in there with nonstop discussion of drying up lakes and rivers....you could say rain, flooding and water confuse me.

Fast forward to this week which has been torrential downpour central.... 

Last night at approximately 3:57am, Gregg and I are all of a sudden awakened to the sound of blazing sirens. Like I thought the sirens were coming from the sky and the Earth was about to say: This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system. I repeat this is only a test.

Instead I heard expletives, feet being stubbed as Gregg tried to haul to the other side of the room to get his iPhone and blackberry, Chloe jumped off my feet like she was being attacked, I rolled over to shut off my iPhone and just as I thought we were in the clear, it's time for my blackberry charging in the kitchen to wail. Meanwhile, because of the insane lightning, our entire apartment looks like we are at a club with strobe lights flicking on and off. We might as well have been in a hotel room overlooking the Las Vegas Strip.

And what was all that chaos supposed to inform us?

That we need to grab Chloe and evacuate? No.
That we need to grab Chloe and take cover? No.
That the world is literally ending? No.
That we need to somehow avoid the area, which is coincidentally where we live and are currently sleeping, until 6:45am? Yes. 

I am honestly still speechless. And tired. And speechless. But not speechless enough to write a letter of complaint to the Emergency Alert Headquarters because in case you didn't know, I love a good letter of complaint:  

Dear Emergency Alert,

I live here and I am currently trying to sleep through the disco strobe light-lightning show that has taken up residence outside every window in our apartment. So first of all I cannot avoid this area until 6:45am. I literally have nowhere else to go. I also promise I won't be going anywhere because it looks like the apocalypse outside. Not to mention that it is 3:45am on a Wednesday night and I am not in college anymore which means you can guarantee I am asleep. Finally, I planned to wake up at 6:45am at which time it seems the apocalypse will have ended. 

You have now scared my cat, Gregg nearly broke his toe and I am wide awake in confusion trying to figure out if I am supposed to go back to sleep or supposed to stay awake and vigilant through the storm. Unless Noah is around with an ark I am supposed to board ASAP, let's try to not be so dramatic next time. 

Sincerely,
Me

Wishing everyone a less dramatic and more peaceful night's sleep tonight!

The DA Bachelorette: Episode 1

I am running on very little sleep at this point because I got up to take my old roomie Hayley to the airport at 5am after our little college besties reunion weekend. So as if the day wasn't strange enough I had a meeting after work, raced home to try to speed watch Dancing With The Stars and catch The Bachelor. So as Chloe and I sat down for our Monday night ritual I was maybe 10 minutes into this season and already over Andi.

Translation: Gonna be a long season for Chloe and me. 

As usual there was just way too much going on last night with too many people so these were the few random moments and thoughts that stuck out in my mind. You will either agree or they will make zero sense:

Andi and her sister look at dresses:

• Flashback: It reminded me of wedding dress shopping with Kristina and getting in a fight because I demanded Kristina learned how to bustle my dress from the store associate and Kristina demanded she didn't need to be taught. Guess who won that battle? 
• Spoiler Alert: The bride always wins, especially when she is the big sister.

Tasos: The Wedding Event Coordinator 

• I am going to call this guy Tacos. 
• He is a wedding event coordinator. He speaks multiple languages. 
• I am quite confused by him overall. 

Personal Trainer Guy 

• "Gaw-dang" as he wanders up the driveway about his walk because "the limo broke down"
• Translation: Next. 

Urgent Care Physician Guy That Looks Like Surfer Guy 

• Opens with: "You must have a fever because you look pretty hot." 
• I just really wanted him to say: 

Brett from Westminster aka Lamp Guy 

• I totally thought he was going to get out with a dog a la Westminster dog show. Something along the lines of this but more dog:

But because I can't in good faith put up a Westminster dog I must put up Chloe instead. She is just as fabulous. 

Craig the Accountant 

• Gets out of the limo and pops an entire bottle of champagne. Then said he is excited to potentially fall in love with her.  
• I am thinking he is more excited to join the fraternity known as all these guys living under one roof for the 10 days they are there searching for the love of their life

J.Crew

• Did all these guys shop at J.Crew for outfits? How many plaid printed shirts and skinny ties can we see?

Cookie Monster aka Cookie Tasting Guy

• I am really into this cookie tasting. That is how you find a soulmate people! 
• It is also making me go crave and search my pantry for a cookie.

Chris from Bachelor Pad and Emily's season shows up:

• WHAT????? 
• Will they or won't they let him in??
• This is seriously the worst acting on behalf of the Bachelor staff I have ever seen and yet the most exciting thing to have happened all night. 
• And they make him leave. Boom.

First Impression Rose- Nick V. 

• I keep wanting to call this guy Eddie V as in the restaurant. 
• He's gonna be around awhile and he is super cute.

My rationale for continuing to watch even though I am not sure about Andi: 

• Yes these guys have some of the worst outfits, worst haircuts and worst jobs I have ever seen.
• But, Dancing With The Stars ends tomorrow night and we have a long summer of Mondays with nothing to watch except for Ladies of London (starts 6/2) which yes, I'll be watching too.
• I am also willing to bet a few of these cast offs find their way to Bachelor in Paradise premiering 8/4. 
• So as you can see duh. I am going to keep watching and you should too.

The End. 

P.S. Go Maks and Meryl. Tune in for DWTS Finale tomorrow night!!!! 

El Bachelor: Finale & After The Final Rose

Before I begin, I have to say I have seen literally every season of this show (minus three) and this is officially the strangest finale I have ever seen. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER.

I also have to formally apologize to my friend M who lives in Austin and I got hooked on The Bachelor this season. This show is typically a train wreck good time...last night's finale was just a train wreck that made me uncomfortable the entire time. I am sorry and I hope for more normal and typical Bachelor/Bachelorette drama for your future viewing experiences. 

El Bachelor Finale: "I Like You A Lot"

Family Dates:

• Cardinal Rule of these family dates: The better the date with the family, the more likely you will not get the ring. 
• Cardinal Rule of dating in general: If I am dating a guy and his entire family warned me about how stubborn he was and very into himself…I would run. 
• Juan Pablo's cousin is named Rodolfo. Which when I read it, immediately reminded me of Rolf from Sound of Music. And then I needed to find a video of "Do Re Mi" 

Clare's Date:

• Juan Pablo says something so horrible when their microphones are turned off that she can't repeat it. She proceeds to walk up a cliff with him while explaining this in the voiceover. Makes perfect sense…if I can't stand a guy I definitely follow him up a cliff where someone could get pushed.
• One on one time has Juan Pablo and Clare discussing "hooking up." These two need to get their stories straight. 
• Conclusion: I am so annoyed I feel like I have lost my Bachelor voice. I just want to fast forward to After the Rose.

Chloe can't take her eyes off the TV. She can't believe what she is seeing between Juan Pablo and Clare.  

Nikki's Date:

• The entire time I just sat here thinking about the horror of Clare's date. 
• I couldn't focus.
• Then Nikki made him a gift which he thanked her for with a make out session. 

Question/Concern: Where is Neil Lane? 

Proposal Time with Clare: 

• Clare stop pouring your heart out. Don't bring up the word "bolt" again. 
• Cardinal Rule of these proposals: Don't pour your heart out first. You make them do it..whether they are the bachelor or bachelorette. You make them do it.
• Clare. Just walk away. Kelly Clarkson style. "Just walk awayyyyyy"
• Clare starts yelling at El Bachelor on the "rose altar." I have never seen that before. 
• I have also never seen a contestant hug Chris Harrison while sobbing.
• "I'm glad I didn't pick her"--El Bachelor. WHATTTTTTT. 

Chris Harrison finally mentions Neil Lane and the diamond ring. I would've rather seen Neil Lane than the boring audience interviews. 

Proposal Time with Nikki:

• Kristina declares: "I would not accept the final rose, merely for having to walk in the mud while wearing heels." She has a point.
• I have a ring in my pocket. I am not 100% sure I want to propose.
• "Will you accept my final rose?" Please say no. Oh and she said yes.
• Nikki is obviously not happy. This is strange.
• And in the end, the final words: "I like you a lot."

Chloe is asleep and over Juan Pablo. 

After The Final Rose: WHATTTTTTTTT

• Clare somehow recovers her dignity and her reputation in less than 5 minutes. 

Chloe wakes up to watch it. 

• Juan Pablo comes out….and he interrupts Chris Harrison. Oh no you didn't! 
• Cardinal Rule of The Bachelor: Chris Harrison is the Godfather. You don't mess with him.
• Now he is dissing the audience. Is this for real?
• Is Nikki delusional? "I know he cares about me. He tells me by his actions. But he hasn't said he loves me." WHATTTTTTT. 

Someone buy Nikki a copy. ASAP. 

And then enters this string of the strangest conversations I have ever seen on an ATFR: 

Chris Harrison: "You said you had a big surprise."
Juan Pablo: "She is the big surprise. I don't have a surprise. This is it."
Ohhhh you are in trouble now. You just pulled one over on The Bachelor.

Sidenote- I have read some rumors online that Juan Pablo told ABC he was going to propose. Then he didn't and they didn't have any questions prepared which led to this strange interview.  

Juan Pablo: "We are SO done with the show. We are done." to Chris Harrison (please see Cardinal Rule above)

Juan Pablo: "Like I said when you interrupted me last time." to Chris Harrison (please see Cardinal Rule above)

Then begins this odd exchange/arguing with Sean & Catherine vs. Juan Pablo & Nikki…that I really do not understand. Really. do not. understand. When did members of the Bachelor family turn on each other? 

All while Nikki holds his hand and leans on his shoulder. And they don't answer questions about their relationship or plans. And you can just tell they want the show to be over. And so does Chris Harrison. And so does America. 

I continued just sitting there in shock staring at the TV screen. There was a lot of that last night. 

And now Andi is the next Bachelorette. Shocking. Chris Harrison is clearly irritated, mad and laying down the ground rules about love. When does this premiere? I need a few months to forget tonight. 

And so does Chloe.  Ay Yi Yi. It's finally over and we are officially speechless.

May 19th. We'll be back. 

And because I have a love affair with the same two ridiculous reality competition-ish shows, next week I will attempt to blog Dancing With The Stars though I am not sure how. Everyone needs a Monday treat and these ridiculous shows are mine. Stay tuned. 

El Bachelor Episode 10

Now it is time for the episode of the season I do not normally enjoy…"The Women Tell All" or as I like to call it: "Every woman's final 5 minutes of fame and final audition to be the next Bachelorette" 

El Bachelor Episode 10: It's Okay

• Mean Girls unite.  Look, I am in PR. I understand "talking points" and I know messaging…it's like they handed out cards that said chiming in on any of these topics = screen time:
• Juan Pablo was selfish. 
• Juan Pablo didn't ask anything about you. 
• Juan Pablo wasn't here for the right reasons.
• And look who chimes in. It's Danielle. Danielle who never spoke. And what does she say?
• She complains about her time communicating with El Bachelor and that he never asked about her. I'm sorry what???? 

We interrupt this commercial break to tell you:

Courtesy of abc.com 

Dancing With the Stars cast reveal Tuesday on GMA! Yes, Tuesday as in tomorrow. 

Dear friends who actually read my blog, 
Once El Bachelor ends, I think this may be my new show to blog even though I have no idea how one would do that…I have faith I can find a way. I realize there is a good chance my mom and I are the only people I know who watch but I can guarantee a fun time if you tune in, or if you just read along.

Back to Women Tell All: 

Dear ABC, Could you please post their names the entire time they are speaking? I do not know who anyone is and you take the names down too quick for me to figure it out or pay attention.

This girl on the right keeps talking and I do not know her name. 

Now this girl is talking and again, I have no idea who she is either. 

I am bored by the hot seats so I have decided I am going to give everyone who is in the hot seat tonight a theme song.

Hot Seat Sharleen: 

• Theme song: "You're Hot and You're Cold" -Katy Perry
• Not again with the cerebral connection. Not again. 

Hot Seat Renee:

• Theme song: "I've Got Nothing" -Whitney Houston
• This is literally because I've got nothing. I'm not going to try.
• But congrats to Renee on admitting she has a new love or as she affectionately called it "a situation." I like that. I think I am going to start referring to my husband as a situation too. 

Hot Seat Andi:

• Theme song: "Since You've Been Gone" -Kelly Clarkson
• Here we go with the great "It's Okay Debate" 
• Chris Harrison: How are you now? Me: I do not truly believe you are over him.
• What Andi said: I am definitely still looking for someone. This experience was great. I believe it can work. I want that love. I will continue to search for it
• What I heard: I will specifically continue to search for it as the next Bachelorette. 

Hot Seat Juan Pablo: 

• Theme song: "Feelin' Hot Hot Hot" -I don't know who sings it but it's old school and you know you know the song and you love it, even if you don't love JP
• Dear Girl I don't know, Yes you were trying to force something that wasn't there…I don't know your name so clearly neither does Juan Pablo. 
• Everyone starts getting mad and demanding the same respect the moms got. 
• Here is my question- What makes someone a mom on this show? Let me tell you one thing, if I left Chloe at home to watch The Bachelor, I would want the same respect. 

I would not take leaving this face behind lightly. 

Then Lucy speaks and says "This is not a game"…..

This is seriously coming from the girl who didn't wear shoes and wandered around nude??? 

Oh my gosh I just realized this ends at 8:30pm. I feel like I just got my evening back. This is a strange feeling…like I've been given a gift for my efforts this season. 

And then there is Chloe who is still fuming after this introduction at the beginning:

Molly Appearance #1

And then as if it wasn't bad enough, Molly gets more screen time courtesy of Sharleen, who Chloe thinks is fabulous:

Molly Appearance #2

Are.You.Kidding.Me.

Yes I have a death grip on this paper towel.
It is the only way I can deal with my anger right now without getting in trouble. 

Chloe & I will be back next week for the dramatic conclusion to this never ending season. 

Adios 'til then mi amigos! 

El Bachelor Episode 9

El Bachelor Episode 9: "You're So Vain." 

After watching this episode I felt a strong urge to watch this scene from How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days. Because let's face it, that's about how long these people on The Bachelor have known each other so it makes sense. 

This is going to be a strange recap. Strange because I went to Happy Hour and got home at 8:15. The Bachelor starts at 7. When I texted Kristina to tell her I was about to start watching she informed me that she was at the portion where DA Andi was recapping her fantasy suite nightmare date. Kristina demanded I fast forward to catch up. The exact phrases she used were: 

• "Seriously Clare's date is boring as EXPLETIVE" 
• Spoiler: they make out in the hot tub AGAIN. shocker. 

Now that I have finished the episode I don't care enough to go back and watch Clare's date so I'm just going to have to go with that. 

The real humor began as we tried to figure out where in the episode the other person was so we could begin watching:

Kristina: I just saw a bird. 

Me: Bird on a tree? Or bird in the water?

<Insert Commercial Break>

<Insert Nikki's Date> 

• I truly have no idea what happened on this date other than her fringe bathing suit. No idea. 

<Insert Commercial Break>

Kristina: Whoa why is Chris Harrison SO dressed up?

Me: What Chris Harrison? I am watching Juan Pablo's grey pants.

Kristina: Flip flop flip flop. 

<Insert commercial break> 

Kristina: I just saw a spider?

Me: What a spider? I am watching Andi walking down a path.

K: Ughhhh hold on okay bye. 

Andi vs. Juan Pablo- FINALLY. Give the people what they want on a Tuesday night.

• Andi is an assistant DA so my guess is that the girl knows how to argue. Like for real argue. 
• The greatest moment in Bachelor history may have been when she asked if JP knew her religious views? Her political views? How she wants to raise her kids? 
• Andi. This is The Bachelor. NOT a date at Chili's. Do not ask such foolish questions. 

The word Default

• There was a lot of discussion around this word and I am not sure why. 
• Juan Pablo said "I don't say that word. It is not a word that I use."
• Then he tried to pronounce it and said he can't pronounce it.
• So I ask you, do you or do you not think the word default was used inside fantasy suite?

The phrase "It's Okay"

STOP SAYING IT'S OKAY. 

OKAY. 

You disrespect me like that on my show and you leave in a van. 

The rose ceremony. 

• This was a super shocker as to who was getting roses at this point. 
• The two blondes will go head to head in two weeks. 

TWO WEEKS??? Seriously ABC. I really thought the double header this week would mean a double header next week. Although I will be tuning in for the most dramatic "Women Tell All" ever. I typically hate these things but this one is going to be highly entertaining. The big question on my mind:

• Will Lucy wear shoes?
• Kristina wants to know if Lucy will even wear clothes? 

Besitos to all and to all a Good Night. 

El Bachelor Episode 8

It is Monday. The Keurig machine broke at work. I spilled creamer on my desk. Let's hope Tuesday gets off to a better start.

El Bachelor Episode 8: "Where I Come From, It's Corn Bread and Chicken." - Alan Jackson 

Nikki's Date

• How is the most famous place for BBQ in Kansas City name Oklahoma Joe's? I am already confused. So is Juan Pablo. And so is America. 
• Nikki: "Even though it's been such a short time it feels so normal." Riiiiight. Because trips to Korea and whatnot are totally normal for first dates in a relationship. 
• Nikki's Dad: "It's great to sit down with someone who has the maturity and understanding of…" and at this point I finished his sentence and said an avocado. 
• Why an avocado? I am not sure but I cannot listen to someone go on about JP's maturity and understanding. 
• And just like that you didn't tell him you love him. And now we have to deal with that. Thanks. 

Andi's Date

• "Helllllo, Helllllo." Hey Juan Pablo-- you don't greet the bullets like they are ladies. 
• Boom/bulls eye. I wonder if Juan Pablo knows what bulls eye means. 
• Is it just me or did anyone else realize Andi was this southern before now? I am confused. 
• Andi is an Assistant DA who shoots guns. I would need to assume that somehow stems from her family and I'd be afraid for them to meet you too. 
• Pookie = Andi. Luckily Kristina and I don't have ridiculous nicknames like that and even if we did luckily our parents wouldn't know the first thing about having a sign like that made. 
• I always wonder what my Mom would cook on a hometown date. The thing is she wouldn't cook. I am pretty sure we would be eating out of Stonewerks to go food styrofoam. 
• It's totally normal for my mom to dance salsa with my "boyfriend" in the other room while I am not around….riiiiight. 
• Andi proclaims "we do best when we are having fun." Dear Andi, Most couples do best when they are having fun. The issue is that real life is not fun. 
• Andi and her sister look a lot alike. 
• Her dad just described his thoughts on The Bachelor as "that's after you're done with this thing you're doing" 

I am bored. And my Pinterest won't work for some reason. Let's move on to Tuesday night drama. 

Renee's Date

• Little Rascals Baseball- duh Ben is great…Renee is great…so duh Ben is great.
• The entire time I kept keeping my eyes peeled for locations I saw when I visited Hayley. 
• I feel like her mom just made it even more painful for Renee to be away from her son by discussing an inside joke about bracelets.
• Kiss of death- the better the home town date the more likely you will be eliminated. This is what I have learned in all these seasons. 
• Renee's family members all look alike. 

Clare's Date

• All these sisters look alike in strange ways. I feel like this is Little Women on steroids. 
• Did they rent those chairs from a nearby ballroom? They look like all they are missing is chair covers and you'd be at a wedding. 
• Shout out to the fam by saying "Madeline is the 1 out of all my sisters that I value her opinion." Way to throw the entire family under the bus on national TV. 
• And let me tell you that if Kristina threw our family under the bus on national TV, I would literally throw her under a bus. 
• Wait a second. I just thought Laura was Clare's mom and then realized the mom is sitting in the middle. 
• Whoa- Sister fight on national TV. Laura you should lock it up now. You and those silver hoops and green v-neck shirt should lock it up. 
• All their mom said this entire scene was "oh good." 
• Why do they keep calling their mom Mama? 
• "The whole situation is getting weird"- says Clare. I have to agree, this is beyond weird Clare. This is the first time you and I have agreed on something the entire season. 
• I feel like Laura is interrupting a one on one date with Clare and her mom. 
• Clare's house is its own version of the women of the Bachelor. No wonder Clare was so well prepared for this show. She lives The Bachelor with these sisters and Mama everyday. 
• Why is sister Laura following Mama around? What is going on?? 
• Can this woman not talk? I am now serious. I am now seriously confused. 
• Dear Clare, When you fight with your sister your husband will not be your rock. Instead he will hide under a rock because nothing terrifies your husband more than a fight with your sister. 

Final Rose. Deep breath. It is for Andi. Renee is going home, just like I predicted. 

Chloe feels sick at the elimination and the previews.
Ay Yi Yi Juan Pablo. I am dreading tomorrow night. 

At this point Gregg who just walked in the door proclaims: "The loosest dress loses and the tightest dress wins. Let this be a lesson to all woman." 

Thank you for those profound words Husband.

See you all tomorrow night. I cannot even believe I am going to watch this show twice in one week yet I am secretly thrilled for the most dramatic fantasy suite date in Bachelor history. 

El Bachelor Episode 7

Before we begin I really just want you to watch this. It may be early Tuesday morning when you are reading this. Maybe you are coming into work half asleep. I am telling you. Watch/Listen to this and you are going to be pumped for your day. Do it now.

Now that we all feel better about our lives let's recap last night's episode.

El Bachelor Episode 7: I'm going to Miami. Or I'm Goin' Freaking Crazy.

I am not going to lie- having The Bachelor on Monday does sorta make Monday more enjoyable because you get a prize full of two hours of nonsense at the end of the day if you survive it.

S and I kicked off the evening's shenanigans in Miami with red vino, cheese, fruit and snacks. Because nothing says Ole El Bachelor like stuffing your face with a Home Happy Hour. 

Sharleen's Date Pre-Commercial: I Need a Dictionary

• The evening kicks off with Sharleen receiving the first one on one date card. 
• Sharleen: "Am I reading it?" 
• Me: "AM I READING IT!? IS THIS A JOKE???" 
• What is a cerebral connection? 
• At some point during this date S interjected: "She basically thinks he's an idiot."
• I could not stop laughing. It was so true. 

Commercial Break: What is with these rose framed commercial breaks? The Bachelor has become Big Brother and owns everything. I am glad I became a fan early on.

Sharleen's Date Post-Commercial: Now I Really Need a Dictionary

• Those couch bed lounge chairs the girls are relaxing in look like total Crate & Barrel and reminds me that I just got a new catalog I need to look through.
• S proclaims: "Sharleen is confused because she wants someone with a PhD and not in soccer." #truth

Post Sharleen Date: The counselor Renee is in. 

Nikki's Date Part One: Dance Recital Time

• This just all out confused me. And made me jealous because I love a good dance recital. I love performing in one and I love watching one and now I am sitting here jealous of a 6 year old. 
• Did anyone else happen to notice that jazz shoes are still without laces? Looks like the same jazz shoes I used are still happenin' which means I can still make a come back. 
• You enjoy having Camila's mom in your life. 

Nikki's Date Part Two: White Shirt 

• "I just feel calm and at ease and this could be my life." -Nikki proclaims in a white shirt that extends to her belly button and definitely screams step-mom
• Nikki starts playing baseball and I realize this white shirt is no joke people. Talk about tape. What brand of tape is this? Please share with the rest of the world. 

Sharleen's Departure: The Time Has Come

• The girls are all hugging Sharleen and wishing her the best and confirming her decision. DUH SHARLEEN! One less rose to hand out. One step closer to El Bachelor's heart.
• How did she know he was in room 1617. On second thought, I am doing research for a trip to Miami and would like to know which hotel this is?
• As Sharleen cries her heart out, S decides Juan Pablo is secretly saying "Don't worry Sharleen. I'm going to catch your attention when this is over and I break up with whoever."
• Juan Pablo proclaims: "Honesty is not appreciated" -- I think he meant to say "Honesty is not the best policy." Who am I kidding I don't understand what he was saying. 
• Kristina tweeted at this point: "When will ABC discover the REAL reason Sharleen left the show? (circa a la Rozlyn Papa)"

8pm: Is it seriously only 8pm??? 

Group Date: Aqua shoes are back!

• Lots of crying. Lots of do you like me. Lots of crying.
• Nikki's notes- It was at this moment I wondered what my parents would write to Kristina and me had we ever pursued this venue of dating. It is simple:
• Dad: "If you lose I want you to shake The Bachelor's hand and say thank you for the opportunity and walk away."
• Mom: "If it doesn't work out I'd just keep him as a friend. You never know. Just keep him as a friend." 
• Andi gets the rose. Andi gets one on one bonus date.
• And you could cut the tension on the reject plane with a knife. 

Fight between Nikki and Clare

• I have to be honest. I think Kristina and I had this fight everyday around 1990. It went something like this:
• Sister: Get out of my room.
• Sister: You don't own my room. Mom and Dad own this room.
• Sister: Put Minnie Mouse down.
• Sister: You don't own Minnie Mouse. Mom and Dad own Minnie Mouse.
• Sister: Give me back Popples.
• Sister: Make me.
• Sisters together: MOMMMMMM.
• The only thing missing was the ever predictable and ever necessary scream "MOMMMMM"

Rose Ceremony: Bright Colors on Parade

• "I'm getting eaten alive by mosquitoes"- Nikki …this is exactly the reason Kristina and I would always and I mean always have OFF! with us during Bachelor season. We would die. Mosquitoes love us even if The Bachelor doesn't. 
• Nikki and Clare end up seated together and what occurs is the "most dramatic moment of silence in Bachelor history."
• Nikki and Clare straight up look like they are going to kill each other. 
• My final words of encouragement: Dear Chelsie, You are only 24. It's going to be okay.

Housekeeping for next week:

• TWO nights next week. I am going to guess that they really want to wrap this up asap. 
• The bottom line though is: Does next week's two night extravaganza involve the finale? Do not pull a fast one Chris Harrison. Chloe will be very angry:

Don't you mess this up for me Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo. After I sat through Molly the dog and random Lord of the Rings Cat, if there is a finale next week, I need to know. 

Somehow I was able to finish watching The Bachelor and hop along over to the Olympics to watch the Ice Dancing USA pair win the Gold. 

Cheering on Bachelor drama + Cheering on my fellow countrymen = Monday Night Success

And Jimmy Fallon premieres in just a few short minutes!

I've gotta stop while I am ahead. The week can only go downhill from here….

El Bachelor Episode 6

Tonight I had two friends over who I used to watch The Bachelor with in Austin, S & P...I should probably call them Salt and Pepper from now on and now that I have said that, they will probably never come watch with me again. Because of this though, I partially watched while partially chatting about the contestants, all while drinking wine and eating snacks. The Bachelor recipe of champions, right here on a drizzly and cold Monday night. Come one come all anytime you want, just be warned you may leave with a nickname.

Episode 6: Was that a cat???

Andi's Date:

• Andi finally got a one on one date. Cheers to you Andi. 
• Dinner at the geyser. "This date is going to blow her mind" -JP
• Me: No sh*t Juan Pablo. You are eating dinner on a geyser. (excuse the curse words but it's necessary)
• What is with the tiniest towel ever to shield them from the geyser water? Are there no umbrellas on set? 
• Juan Pablo pulled a rose out of his jacket. WHOA. Stop now. Do we have a Bachelor Houdini on our hands??

Group Date:

• Note to self: When competing on The Bachelor, always wear waterproof eyeliner. You never know when you may be forced into a giant bubble filled with water to fling around for your life as you roll down a mountain. You.never.know. 
• This date is taking place on the set of Lord of the Rings. Attention Bachelor producers, when can we film a date at the set of Hogwarts? 
• It is Cassandra's birthday? This caused my friends and me to all pause to try to figure out if this meant she was turning 22 or turning 21. 
• This was after we had spent a good amount of time trying to compare when Cassandra had a baby to when Renee had a baby since they were bonding over missing their kids. 
• Was he totally wasted during the Sharleen date? 
• Someone called him Juan. Since when do we call him Juan? 
• Cassandra got dumped on her birthday. Happy birthday, have a nice life.
• Then came this moment. 


Is that a cat on the TV? It just moved. Yes it is indeed a cat on the TV.






What the hell is going on Juan Pablo?

Clare Date:

• I was shocked that she got the one on one date. If Ben could pick Courtney many seasons ago, then we all need to realize Juan Pablo could pick Clare. It is time we all start seeing what is right in front of us. 
• The biggest moment:"What does bolt mean?" -JP
• Me: I'll tell you what bolt means- it is what I would do right now if I was ever asked that question on a date. 

Rose Ceremony:

• And just like that it was time to bid another week adieu. It was between Kat and Chelsie but the bottom line is it doesn't matter which one went home tonight because the other is going home next week. 
• The big question is, will Sharleen be leaving voluntarily next week? Is she the dark horse this season?  

Do any of us even care anymore? I will be the first to admit no. I am also the first to admit I cannot stop watching. Stay tuned…we still have a few more weeks to go. 

El Bachelor Episode 5

People. Sunday was a bad night. A really bad night. Worst Super Bowl of my life…and considering I have only really paid attention to about five of them in my 29 years of existence, this is a big deal.

The Broncos. The Broncos. The Broncos. No words. 

That's all I will say on that. 

And I had hoped tonight's Bachelor episode would help soothe the dark cloud of my Monday. And this is what happened instead. 

The Bachelor. The Bachelor. The Bachelor. Ay Yi Yi Yi. 

So needless to say, here we go.

Episode 5: Clare Bear Stare. 

• This episode was boring. Like really boring until the second half. I was texting my sister Kristina asking where her amazing tweets were and she responded, "I am trying but they are giving me nothing." 
• Renee's date and the amount of friend zone action reminded me of a PTO meeting for parents….probably minus the kissing at the end.
• The second the group date started Kristina kept tweeting #HereComesClare (I couldn't stop laughing- let's all help her get it trending next week) 
• I really wish Kesha's song "It's Going Down" would've started playing the second they got in those crazy Disney World tea cups turned boats. These girls were pissed at Clare. 
• Did any one else wish during all the Clare smack talking they would have all banded together and yelled "Clare Bear Stare." Let's just say we were big Care Bears fans in our house. 
• I know, last week it was Mulan and this week it is Care Bears…I can only imagine what you are thinking regarding my IQ….

Care Bear Stare meets The Bachelor

• The entire skinny dipping scene and the immediate "did they" or "didn't they" aftermath…I have no words. Literally I have no words because I did not understand for one minute what Juan Pablo and Clare were discussing.
• Also may I point out, what happened to good wholesome family rated reality Bachelor television. Save that for the fantasy suite. I had to send Chloe into the other room for half this episode. 

This is not the face of someone who can watch such nonsense. 

• Two words--- Beckham commercial. 
• The first time it aired they cut it off halfway through. I was not okay with this.
• The second time it aired, they made up for this error and showed the entire production.
• I have decided they need to bring Beckham on to provide El Bachelor some counseling sessions.
• These girls that keep wanting to act like this is regular life. Here's the thing- if my husband tried to kiss me while we are propelling into a cave, I would smack him. That is real life marriage.
• Sidenote- my husband's very public response to this on twitter was: "NO WAY you'd be propelling down a cave to begin with. You'd have taken a taxi back to the hotel. That's MY real life marriage."

• News flash! If you tell the Bachelor on your application you are afraid of heights, guess what is coming! On second thought, start saying you are afraid of shopping or shoes.
• The arrival of the Bachelorette contestants on the boat reminded me of the San Antonio River Parade. 
• "Here's the thing though, can I tell you something" ATTENTION FEMALES OF THE WORLD: these are the words that will make every man freak out on you in less than one second" …I may or not be guilty of this as well. I judge NO ONE here. 
• Danielle spoke x2 tonight. And then she got eliminated. 
• The dog walker also got eliminated.

That's Right. I Win.  Don't Mess with me Molly.

• And just like that, just as it always is, The Bachelor just got real. BOOM. Stay tuned. 

And on an unrelated note, post-Bachelor we got to discuss finances since Gregg arrived home before 10pm. Gregg told me for purposes of our budget we both die at 90. Thank you. This has officially been the worse 48 hour period of my life. I am going to sleep.