El Bachelor: Finale & After The Final Rose

Before I begin, I have to say I have seen literally every season of this show (minus three) and this is officially the strangest finale I have ever seen. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER. EVER.

I also have to formally apologize to my friend M who lives in Austin and I got hooked on The Bachelor this season. This show is typically a train wreck good time...last night's finale was just a train wreck that made me uncomfortable the entire time. I am sorry and I hope for more normal and typical Bachelor/Bachelorette drama for your future viewing experiences. 

El Bachelor Finale: "I Like You A Lot"

Family Dates:

• Cardinal Rule of these family dates: The better the date with the family, the more likely you will not get the ring. 
• Cardinal Rule of dating in general: If I am dating a guy and his entire family warned me about how stubborn he was and very into himself…I would run. 
• Juan Pablo's cousin is named Rodolfo. Which when I read it, immediately reminded me of Rolf from Sound of Music. And then I needed to find a video of "Do Re Mi" 

Clare's Date:

• Juan Pablo says something so horrible when their microphones are turned off that she can't repeat it. She proceeds to walk up a cliff with him while explaining this in the voiceover. Makes perfect sense…if I can't stand a guy I definitely follow him up a cliff where someone could get pushed.
• One on one time has Juan Pablo and Clare discussing "hooking up." These two need to get their stories straight. 
• Conclusion: I am so annoyed I feel like I have lost my Bachelor voice. I just want to fast forward to After the Rose.

Chloe can't take her eyes off the TV. She can't believe what she is seeing between Juan Pablo and Clare.  

Nikki's Date:

• The entire time I just sat here thinking about the horror of Clare's date. 
• I couldn't focus.
• Then Nikki made him a gift which he thanked her for with a make out session. 

Question/Concern: Where is Neil Lane? 

Proposal Time with Clare: 

• Clare stop pouring your heart out. Don't bring up the word "bolt" again. 
• Cardinal Rule of these proposals: Don't pour your heart out first. You make them do it..whether they are the bachelor or bachelorette. You make them do it.
• Clare. Just walk away. Kelly Clarkson style. "Just walk awayyyyyy"
• Clare starts yelling at El Bachelor on the "rose altar." I have never seen that before. 
• I have also never seen a contestant hug Chris Harrison while sobbing.
• "I'm glad I didn't pick her"--El Bachelor. WHATTTTTTT. 

Chris Harrison finally mentions Neil Lane and the diamond ring. I would've rather seen Neil Lane than the boring audience interviews. 

Proposal Time with Nikki:

• Kristina declares: "I would not accept the final rose, merely for having to walk in the mud while wearing heels." She has a point.
• I have a ring in my pocket. I am not 100% sure I want to propose.
• "Will you accept my final rose?" Please say no. Oh and she said yes.
• Nikki is obviously not happy. This is strange.
• And in the end, the final words: "I like you a lot."

Chloe is asleep and over Juan Pablo. 

After The Final Rose: WHATTTTTTTTT

• Clare somehow recovers her dignity and her reputation in less than 5 minutes. 

Chloe wakes up to watch it. 

• Juan Pablo comes out….and he interrupts Chris Harrison. Oh no you didn't! 
• Cardinal Rule of The Bachelor: Chris Harrison is the Godfather. You don't mess with him.
• Now he is dissing the audience. Is this for real?
• Is Nikki delusional? "I know he cares about me. He tells me by his actions. But he hasn't said he loves me." WHATTTTTTT. 

Someone buy Nikki a copy. ASAP. 

And then enters this string of the strangest conversations I have ever seen on an ATFR: 

Chris Harrison: "You said you had a big surprise."
Juan Pablo: "She is the big surprise. I don't have a surprise. This is it."
Ohhhh you are in trouble now. You just pulled one over on The Bachelor.

Sidenote- I have read some rumors online that Juan Pablo told ABC he was going to propose. Then he didn't and they didn't have any questions prepared which led to this strange interview.  

Juan Pablo: "We are SO done with the show. We are done." to Chris Harrison (please see Cardinal Rule above)

Juan Pablo: "Like I said when you interrupted me last time." to Chris Harrison (please see Cardinal Rule above)

Then begins this odd exchange/arguing with Sean & Catherine vs. Juan Pablo & Nikki…that I really do not understand. Really. do not. understand. When did members of the Bachelor family turn on each other? 

All while Nikki holds his hand and leans on his shoulder. And they don't answer questions about their relationship or plans. And you can just tell they want the show to be over. And so does Chris Harrison. And so does America. 

I continued just sitting there in shock staring at the TV screen. There was a lot of that last night. 

And now Andi is the next Bachelorette. Shocking. Chris Harrison is clearly irritated, mad and laying down the ground rules about love. When does this premiere? I need a few months to forget tonight. 

And so does Chloe.  Ay Yi Yi. It's finally over and we are officially speechless.

May 19th. We'll be back. 

And because I have a love affair with the same two ridiculous reality competition-ish shows, next week I will attempt to blog Dancing With The Stars though I am not sure how. Everyone needs a Monday treat and these ridiculous shows are mine. Stay tuned.