Bachelor in Paradise Episode 1

What combines Mondays, crazy people and a beach? Why it's Bachelor in Paradise of course. 

• Is it going to be a train wreck? Yes. Absolutely. 
• It is also going to be something for all of us to look forward to on Monday evenings. Because let's face it, we could all use a little crazy after surviving a Monday. 

Initial intro observations:

• There is a lot of wind and these girls are having issues holding on to their flowy maxi dresses in wedges 
• You can already see a lot of insecurity in the girls fighting for the same guys
• You can already see a lot of crazy in some of these girls...cough cough Michelle...cough cough
• Lacy from Juan Pablo's season, who are you? 
• Elise from Juan Pablo's season, who are you? 
• And everyone loves Graham....yet again. The ultimate Bachelor, Bachelor Pad and now Bachelor in Paradise repeat.

How is this show going to work 

• Bachelor style dates, if you get a date card you get to choose who goes on the date with you
• 7 girls, 6 guys....there is an elimination so soon. 
• Someone will be leaving paradise very, very soon if you don't make a connection with someone. 

Who.is.Lacy...

• Apparently she left Juan Pablo night 1...is this the best ABC could do? 
• Lacy runs into the ocean with Robert and lets him whisk her away into the waves.
• Marcus is still not over Andi and he proclaims this while wandering into the ocean in his underpants. Makes complete sense. And now Lacy is in the ocean with him. And now Sarah is upset. Did you get all that? 
• Now Lacy is back with Robert. 

AshLee vs. Every other girl in the house who likes Graham

• AshLee has planned their wedding and already registered them at Pottery Barn. 
• AshLee claims she is the only normal person here.
• AshLee is mad Graham couldn't be loyal for 24 hours

First Date Card....Clare....

The date drama

• Clare picks Graham. 
• Clare sense drama and vents her frustration to this guy:

• This guy helps Clare decide to un-pick Graham. And pick Robert. 
• Sidenote: I think Clare and Robert are super cute. Let's hope this means Parrrrraddiiiiiseeee.

The Vista Date highlights:

• Clare: "I don't even know what a vista is but we walked out of a vista" 
• Then Robert gets attacked by ants. He loses his shoes, his backpack and his shirt and now he is magically not itching. 
• Meanwhile I am sitting here watching the TV itching still 5 minutes later. 
• Clare thinks Robert is "a cool, fun, funny guy." 
• Clare is afraid of heights. Oh right, right duh. My bad. I forgot about being afraid of heights. Even in paradise heights still exist. 

Second Date Card....Sarah

• Sarah picks Marcus
• Lacy from night 1 of Juan Pablo is bummed. 
• Sarah is taking leaps and leaping into the water with Marcus 
• Sarah is done leaping and kissing Marcus

Michelle Money arrives...dun dun dun...with a date card...dun dun dun...

• Michelle takes Graham away for a secret handshake that reminded me of The Parent Trap a la Lindsay Lohan. 

• Michelle picks Marquel for a date card. 

Lacey receives a date card and asks Robert. 

• This means poor Clare.
• This also means poor Marcus who likes Lacey. Who went on a date with Sarah. Who Sarah jumped in the cave water with. Did you follow that? 
• Marcus is upset. He just got over his heartbreak with Andy. He is now having to get over heartbreak with Lacey. And his un-heartbreak with Sarah. 

Rose Ceremony time or as Ben put it so eloquently "It's cocktail time!" 

• Now begins watching all of the contestants try to lobby for a rose....it's always fun watching people who are not good at communicating try to communicate through persuasion
• AshLee thinks she is safe safe safe because she has Graham in her back pocket. 
• Should your rose be strategic or based on friendship??? Marcus can't decide. 
• Oooo interesting development: This time the roses are not anonymous. There is no secret Pier One lockbox room. 
• Crazy Michelle voluntarily decides to go home. 
• Michelle Money has some serious hair going on

• Graham picks AshLee because he is afraid of being stabbed while he sleeps.
• Marcus picks Lacey who picked Robert for a date who went on a date earlier with Clare. Did you get that? 
• Robert picks Clare. Clare is over Robert but thankful for the rose. 
• And here comes Ben who ha been strangely quiet this episode which I think is a strange omen to the rest of the season. Silent but deadly wins the race on these shows. 
• Ben picks Sarah. 
• Daniella is going home. 

Who will listen to AshLee cry now? How will the girls get revenge on Robert and Marcus next week? And how will Chris B's arrival challenge Graham's control of the house? Will I continue writing about this nonsense? Stay tuned....